Instead of asking "What do you need?"

With World Mental Health Day last Friday, I've been reflecting on the different conversations around mental health. An experience I had shortly after having my baby daughter kept coming to mind. As I struggled with all of of it - the sleep deprivation, anxiety over whether I was doing it right, the post-partum depression - my friends and family were there for me, often asking "What do you need?" or letting me know, "Let us know what you need!"

I'm so grateful and fortunate to have such a strong support system. What was challenging, though, was that often, I interpreted "What do you need?" as what sorts of things do I need? I had more than enough stuff, so I kept replying that I was good. 

But I was still struggling inside. Finally, I told a friend how my baby daughter wouldn't sleep unless I held her so now I couldn't even sleep when she slept! How I was worried she wasn't sleeping enough and that was affecting her brain development! How I was struggling to feel bonded with my baby.

Then, I got what I needed - words of reassurance from a fellow mother who had experienced the same thing, and how they dealt with it, and that it was going to be alright.

Over the years, I've been seeing the mental health mantra "It's ok not to be ok" more and more. But, I've noticed that while we say that, there are still ways we don't live that.

If I am struggling, and we lead with "What do you need?" it puts the onus on me to figure out what I need when I am struggling. Often when I'm in that place of struggle, I don't know what I need. I don't know what would help. And even though I know you're asking out of love and wanting to support, there is still a distance between you and me - me in the trench of my struggle and you on higher ground reaching your hand out.

Instead, when we are looking to support someone, instead of asking "What do you need" and reaching a hand down, we can step down into the trench with them. We can ask "What's been hard?" or "What are you having a hard time with?"

Instead of asking them to problem solve what they need, we can meet them where they are and give them permission to share what's present with them - to complain without guilt, to vent, to share their struggle. That leads the way to being heard, and then we are better positioned to offer what they might need.

Let's mean it when we say "It's ok not to be ok." Let's be willing to be brave in our love and ask, "What's been hard?"

With love,
Alina